"You must be older than Duke Nukem to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Billie!

"U must B older than 'Gett Off' in order 2 drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than the first Naked Gun sequel to drink in this establishment."

I don't think I was yet observant enough to realize that Hollywood---that city teeming with money and stars and talented creative people---could disappoint its audience when it came out.  Likely I was chuckling up popcorn along with everyone else. 

Anyway, Leslie Nielson, you're missed.  And the Zucker brothers... well, they seem to try very hard.

Thurgood Marshall

"You must have been born in the Thurgood Marshall era to drink in this establishment."

Although if anyone would have found something unconstitutionally arbitrary about that requirement, he probably would have been the guy.  Most of the really monumental civil rights figures had died before I was born, and most of the rest had left public life by the time I was old enough to know what the civil rights era meant, in anything more than broad strokes.  John Lewis was in office then, and I suppose Bobby Rush and Jesse Jackson could be counted.  Marshall had served his 24 years on the nation's highest court before Barack Obama had passed the bar.  Of the twentieth century's civil rights titans, he was the last---du Bois and Garvey had passed on, Paul Robeson was living in Moscow, Malcolm X already assassinated when he joined the Court; Martin Luther King was dead six months later---unless one counts Rosa Parks.

The man who won Brown v. Board.  First black Justice of the Supreme Court.  He had other accomplishments---many---but somehow it feels they would only dilute his major triumphs.

"You gotta have been conceived before the premiere of Cop Rock to drink in this establishment."

"No, no, no---kid, this is obviously a fake.  There's no 'Secretary of Licenses' in the State of Hawaii, and the watermark on this says 'Authentic'."

"And I got more bad news for you.  Since you need a fake ID, there's a vanishing but non-zero chance you came into existence moments after your dad put in a tape into the VHS, slapped on a fake mustache and a pair of aviator shades and started singing 'Let's Get It On' to your mom.  Sorry dude.  This bar's for folks of a more innocent age."

"You must be older than The Kitchen God's Wife to drink in this establishment."[fn1]

I don't remember exactly when Amy Tan became the celebrity author for my parents' crowd.  Sometime after the release of The Joy Luck Club, naturally, but honestly I can't say more precisely for sure.

fn1:  Precise date hard to ascertain:  I'm going by its first appearance on the Times best-seller list in the June 30th issue; the Tuesday before would have been the 25th.

... tell me no lies, just hold me close, don't patronize, don't patronize me

"You must be older than Luck of the Draw to drink in this establishment."

"What are you waiting for, some sarcastic wisecrack?  Sorry, bud, not from me.  This one still makes my neck tighten and the back of my nostrils smell of seawater."

Humble so you don't confuse them with mountains

"You must be older than Shakira's recording career to drink in this establishment."

Spoiler possibly gross sidenote alert:  There was a summer once when, had I played my cards right, I very plausibly could have lost my virginity to a Shakira song (the young lady in question was a big fan of hers long before the rest of the world ever heard of her).

Rebecca, her name was.  A Yankees fan---I think it was because her dad was from New York and took her to her first game, but the details are lost in past time.  She'd had a... just an awful night, really, and I found her in tears; I held her hand for a while, until she smiled and I left her to go to sleep.  The next day she asked me if anything was, you know, as expected, up with that, and fool that I am I was too embarrassed to tell her that yeah, I was interested. 

You know that look that falls across a person's face when you've just so incredibly misplayed a situation that everyone winds up disappointed, that everyone knows that they've somehow been maneuvered into the worst of all possible situations, and there's neither a good reason for it to have happened this way nor an obvious way out of it?  No?  Just me, then?

I regret the actual outcome for several reasons. No points for guessing the obvious one, but additionally and not insignificantly, I have no idea what song---check that, no idea if any music even---was playing when, several frustrating years later, the Some Great Event actually happened.  Is that factoid supposed to be individually significant?  I mean, I've written possibly dozens of posts in the format "Happy birthday, kids conceived to [song] / after [movie]!"  It seems that it's supposed to be meaningful. 

But I have no idea. 

"In order to drink in this establishment, you must be older than... hmmm..."

"You must be older than Sonic the Hedgehog to drink in this establishment."

It really was an ideal gaming experience for a generation of children raised with no attention spans, a bizarre fascination with anything shiny, and, um... a pelt of thorny spines?

Happy 21st birthday, kid conceived after a date to see Miller's Crossing!

Yeah, happy birthday.  Celebrate, and try not to dwell on a life lived in pale imitation of someone conceived after The Big Sleep.  Probably that guy could have used the modern access to psychiatric counseling that you enjoy, anyway.

....and happy birthday Krista, James, and Mrs. T.!

"You must be older than The Rocketeer to drink in this establishment."

Hey, lookie there---more Jennifer Connelly!

Now go home and get your shinebox!

Happy 21st birthday, kid conceived after a date to see GoodFellas!

Henry Hill just died, by the way. 

"You must be older than Hungarian independence to drink in this establishment."

"What a proud moment for human freedom, that... uhh....  Eh.  They had a good run."

(pic source)

"You must be older than Kaitlin Cooper from The O.C. to drink in this establishment."

I'm not familiar with the show or any of its characters, myself, but I believe she's the one famous for her wacky catchphrase, "I'm telling your parents, Clarence!"

Drop a coin in the jukebox, not the phone on the wall

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived to "So Close" by Hall & Oates!

I do believe this video provided the backdrop for the line, "He's smiling at you, Beavis."

... and happy Father's Day, to any fathers.

"You must be older than For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge to drink in this establishment."

Situation no-win; rush for a change of atmosphere

"You must be older than "Rush" by Big Audio Dynamite to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Pinatubo eruption to drink in this establishment."

Nowadays, "Will Scarlet" and "Little John" would be jokes about their dicks

"You must be older than Robin Hood:  Prince of Thieves to drink in this establishment."

In the criminal justice system...

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived in the Law & Order era!

I used to be a huge geek for this show, and the episodes with the original casts were always the best.  George Dzundza was first to go---I don't need to tell you he was murdered to prevent his testimony---and after that, Paul Sorvino retired after being shot by a gun deal, and to make way for Jerry Orbach; Paul Butler was replaced by Jill Hennessey, who asked Sam Waterston about his habit of sleeping with his colleagues on the first day he replaced Mike Moriarty... that was the first day Epatha Merkerson had replaced Dann Florek, too.  

Man.  The show got ridiculous after its eleventh and twelfth seasons, when the "ripped from the headlines!" gimmick devolved into its entire reason for being, but the way I remember it, the early years, it was the best drama on television.  

In which I make a terrible attempt at political humor

Sorry, real slow news day in history, or it appears to be, because I've been staring at a blank space on this calendar box for a long time.  So I'll note another site that's using the familiar this-date-in-history technique, although they aim back 70 years.  Accordingly:

"You must be as old as Anne Frank's diary to be able to retire (if the Republicans get their way)."

"You must be older than the Boris Yeltsin era in order to drink in this establishment."

"How's Annie? How's Annie?"

"You must have been born before the end of Twin Peaks to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Street Fighter II to drink in this establishment."

Slow day in history

Happy 21st birthday, arty kid conceived after the film festival premiere of The Hot Spot!

"Wait, wait---don't tell me; let me guess.  You, uhh... you... liked sugar cereal but your folks wouldn't get it for you?  Or... you had a pet, of some sort?  Possibly? 

"Yeah, nobody saw this movie.  I got nothin'.  But hey:  More Jennifer Connolly."

But you're way out of line

"You must be older than 'You Could Be Mine' to drink in this establishment."

Tall and tan and young and lovely...

"You gotta have breathed some of the same air as Stan Getz to drink here."

"I like to get high; I'm a ckh-ckh-ck-k-kh crack head!"

"You must be older than Jungle Fever to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than 'It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over' to drink in this establishent."[fn1]

---------------

fn1:  I made a mistake with this the first time.  My bad. 



"... there are no guns, no bombs and no disease"

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived to 'From a Distance'![fn1]

"Now let me just go out on a limb---your folks' marriage was on the rocks, and they had you to try to reconnect; that worked for a couple of years until your dad went out for diapers one night, 'cause it was his turn, and he never came back.  Your mom spent the next couple of years dating guys she met at her codependents' anonymous meetings and telling you how love was one thing, the ability to goddamn stick it out even when things don't easy is something else, and when she didn't ever meet your prom date a second time she told you she thought she raised you better than that.  Stop me if I'm getting too close."

"Well, anyway, no one here wants you to stick it out, and they don't even want you to fall in love.  Just go talk to someone in glasses and ask if they heard the new Wilco album yet.  First shot's on me."[fn2]
------
fn1:  Technically, only those after Bette Midler's version, as apparently it had been covered before.
fn2:  Haven't I pulled this schtick before?  Is this becoming my, you know, thing?  I think the blog might need a graphic for a surly bartender....

"You must be older than Type O Negative to drink in this establishment."

"You must have been born before the Pokey Reese era to drink here."

That man right there fielded the last out of the 2004 ALCS.  You may remember something about that one. 

... annnnd happy birthday, Arun!

"You must be older than Liquid Television to drink in this establishment."