"You must be  older than Netscape Navigator in this establishment."

This would eventually end in the Microsoft antitrust case, its successful appeal, and... yeah.

This is just to say

"That kids who were born after Jeffrey Dahmer left this earth are old enough to drink in this establishment."

Forgive me.

Something something.

And so cold.

Try not to suck any dicks on your way across the parking lot! Hey, you---get back here!

"You must be older than Clerks to be served in this establishment."

Dammit, dammit, sunuvabitch

"You must be older than the goddamned mutherloving horrible putrid disaster that was the Dave Matthews Band to be served in this establishment."

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

"You must be older than Monster to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Federal Assault Weapons Ban to be served in this establishment."

A bit of curious timing, I suppose, being paired with this morning's entry....

Bee-aye-double-gee-aye-eeh. Get it? Biggie"

"You must be  older than Biggie to drink here."

Knock it off---youtube wasn't cooperating.

I hate myself and I want to die (can't believe that title didn't stick)

"You must be older than Lizzie Wurtzel's literary career to be served in this establishment."

Definitely Maybe

"You must be older than Oasis to be served in this establishment."

They probably have a legitimate claim to being the biggest musical act of the 1990s, which demonstrates clearer than anything else how shitty the decade was (the solitary exception of 1993 notwithstanding).  I'd love to give it to R.E.M. or a hip-hop act, but it's probably the Gallagher brothers.

Christ, do I ever hate this band.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_I_Woke

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dummy_(album)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1994%E2%80%9395_Major_League_Baseball_strike

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clear_and_Present_Danger_(film)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_(film)

North

"You must be older than Scarlett Johanson's screen debut to be served in this establishment."

Kidding, of course---I'm sure there must have been something else good about this film.

... or maybe not....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Lies



... and happy Bastille Day!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forrest_Gump

"Sigh."

"You must be older than Kenny Rogers's perfect game to be served in this establishment."

Wait, no, not that one---hangon:

Dammit!  Hangon, I got this:

Or, in happier sports news....

"You must be older than the first American World Cup to be served in this establishment."

No Peyton Manning jokes, please

"You must be older than O.J. Simpson's ride in a slow white Bronco to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Simpson-Brown and Goldman murders to be served in this establishment."

Pop quiz, hotshot

"You must be older than Speed to be served in this establishment."

"You must have been born before Marky Mark became 'Mark Wahlberg' to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Ill Communication to be served in this establishment."

... and also....

"You must be older than Seal to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Teenager of the Year to be served in this establishment."

"You must have shared the earth."

"You must be older than The Crow to be served in this establishment."

Obviously legendary for Brandon Lee's death.  Pretty great soundtrack, too. 

"You must be older than Four Weddings and a Funeral to be served in this establishment."

No joke---I heard this guy answers the phone, "This is G."

"You must be older than G. Love and Special Sauce to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Weezer to be served in this establishment."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weezer_%281994_album%29

Chunnel

"You must have been born before the Channel Tunnel opened to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the redemption of South Africa to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Outkast to be served in this establishment."

Matter of fact....

Komm' doch mal uber, Mann, weil ich ja sowieso gewinn

Forgive me this indulgence:  You must be older than Lucilectric to be served here.

Also known as, That Time We Almost Succeeded In Forgetting About Blur (but failed)

"You must be older than Parklife to be served in this establishment."

Well, I am not a crook

"You must have shared the earth with Richard Nixon to be served in this establishment."

Illmatic

"You must be older than Nas' recording career to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Throwing Copper to be served in this establishment."

Yeah, pretend all you want.  I say I can't remember which one's Live and which one's Silverchair, too, but that record is eight times platinum.

"You must be older than Live Through This to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than another child actress named Dakota to be served in this establishment."

No, I don't know what possessed young parents to call their kids "Dakota" in early 1994.  Maybe park rangers were letting horny tourists screw at Rushmore?  I'm really clueless. 

By the way, this actress play Lyra Belacqua!  That's all I know about her!

"You must be older than the Rwandan genocide to be served in this establishment."

 

One million dead.  For much of the twentieth century, the answer to this question had been "never again."  And then again.  

That's why I say hey man nice shot

"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Kurt Cobain to be served in this establishment."

The Divine Comedy

"You must be older than Milla Jovovich's recording career to be served in this establishment."

And not for nothing I wouldn't mind if you were prettier than it, too...

Above the Rim SDTK

"You must be older than 'Regulate' to be served in this establishment."

Ahhhh, I've made up your mind!

"You must be older than Vauxhall & I to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Ned!

"You must be older than Serial Mom to be served in this establishment."

It's the Citizen Kane of hula-hoop movies!

"You must be older than The Hudsucker Proxy to be served in this establishment."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diary_(Sunny_Day_Real_Estate_album)

"You must be older than Internet spamming to be served in this establishment."

(pic)

"You gotta have shared the earth with John Candy to be served in this establishment."

"Happy 21st birthday, Justin Bieber!"

Tonight the city is full of whores

"You must be older than Mellow Gold to be served in this establishment."

We got whores in the city; we need backup! C'mon!

"You must be older than 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' to be served in this establishment."

'Cause there's No Cure for Cancer

"You gotta have sucked some wind---some smokey, choked-off wind---at the same time as Bill Hicks to be served in this establishment."

(Post caption is the punchline to a joke beginning, "Why is Bill Hicks forgotten and Denis Leary famous?"  I actually am not that convinced by the story that Leary stole Hicks's act; they don't sound that similar to me.) 

"You must be older than Dakota Fanning to be served in this establishment."

She and Kristin Stewart co-starred in this one little thing:

"You must be older than Reality Bites to be served in this establishment."

Welcome to the Cruel World

"You must be older than Ben Harper's recording career to be served in this establishment."

"You must have breathed the same air as Jack Kirby to be served in this establishment."

"You must have been born before white people first heard about Jim Carrey to be served here."

"You must be older than 'The Streets of Philadelphia' to be served here."

If memory serves, this is still the only song to win an Oscar, a Grammy, and be #1.

When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lonely

"You must be older than Dookie to be served in this establishment."

Never was a cornflake girl

"You must be older than Under the Pink to be served in this establishment."

"Why me? Why anybody?"

"You must be older than the Nancy Kerrigan attack to be served in this establishment."

(Thanks to Paul F. Thompkins for the full quote.)

That giant sucking sound, part two

Just a reprise---kids drinking today have lived their whole lives under NAFTA, as an effective legal regime.

I feel like if I were more serious about being funny, I would have a joke about that.  Meh.