"You must be older than the Brandon Teena murder to be served in this establishment."

I can't believe I know this song's g.d. name

"You must be older than Meghan Trainor to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Melissa!

Boys and girls! Action!

"You must be older than The State to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Molly and Vic!

"You gotta have sucked wind at the same time as Myrna Loy in order to drink here."

DOOM (or "NEDM," if you're from that corner of the Internet)

"You must be older than pretty much first-person shooters to be served in this establishment."

Now, Wolfenstein 3-D preated this game by like a minute. But DOOM achieved an overwhelming popularity that really established the genre. 

Although "genre" isn't really a word one thinks of as being spoken by that group of fans.

A date living in more infamy than before

"You must be older than the LIRR massacre to be served in this establishment."

"Wow... Elian Gonzalez is old enough to drink in the States today.

"You gotta have sucked wind at the same time as Frank Zappa to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Food Network to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Stephanie, Morgan, and Heather!

Ultraviolence

"Yours must have sucked wind with the malenki alveoli of Anthony Burgess to be in this moloko bar."

... and happy birthday, Morgan and Jaren!  (and Tweety Bird) (and Bjork!)

"You've got to have sucked wind at the same time as El Doctoro to be served in this establishment."

Shit, that show did have a great closing.  One more:

.... mayyyybe one more:

... and happy birthday, Charles and Sakar and Chris!

De plane! de plane!

"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Herve Villechaize to be served in this establishment."

"You gotta have... you know what?  I give up."

"Although this is kinda sorta cool."

"You must be older than The Nanny to be served in this restaurant."

Rebel Assault

"You must be older than the era of computer games distributed only on CDs to be served here."

"You must have breathed the same air as River Phoenix to be served in this establishment."

Remember:  the point of this blog is that if it appears more than 24 hours ago, then kids younger than that can drink, and probably are drinking, in your favorite bar. Some of them probably never even heard of the Viper Room. 

Thanks, Obama!

Awwonh Buhh!

"You must be older than this ad to be served in this establishment."

Yeah, I'm doubling up from last week.  So shoot me. 

"You must be older than the Jon Stewart show to be served in this establishment."

"No---I mean, The Jon Stewart Show.  You know.  With Howard."

Haben Sie Milch?

"Look buddy:  In order to drink something stronger than milk here, you must be older than 'Got Milk?'"

Although the snickers that induced turned out to be kind of puerile once he showed the whole Internet his cock. 

Wow... the ad campaign was actually discontinued in February.  It didn't even live to see its twenty-first birthday...

That does remind me to look up the date for the Lilith Fair "you must be older than" post

"You must be older than Fumbling Towards Ecstasy to be served in this establishment."

Look, I can't spell her name on the first try, either

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plantation_Lullabies

Hey Amigo / Here we do things slow

"You must be older than Mexican Moon to be served in this establishment."

"Happy 21st birthday, first result of a broken 'True Love Waits' pledge!"

Very Necessary

"You must be older than 'Shoop' to be served in this establishment."

"Or 'Whatta Man'.  Not sure which I'd rate higher."

Aurora Gory Alice

"You must be older than Letters to Cleo to be served in this establishment."

Yeah... watch two seconds and try and tell me you don't remember them. 

Come on feel the ...

"... buhhh, The Lemonheads."

"Yeah, kid, I don't really care anymore.  Screw the ID---you wanna get fucked up?  I don't really care and I don't want to live anymore.  Open the bottle yourself and you can drink as much as you can handle."

"Only thing is you throw up, you mop up.  I'm too tired today."

"You must be older than the 1/2 Men to be served in this establishment."

And I would feel a lot worse about that if I were willing to admit I even know that that's a thing. 

"I'm sorry.  I don't own a television."  Yeah, you hate people who say that.  But right now, I'll bet you're envious.

This bed is on fire

"You must be older than Laid to drink here."

So Tonight That I Might See

"You must be older than the only Mazzy Star album you ever heard of, to be served in this establishment."

"You gotta be older than 'The Dos' to be served in this establishment."

They're all gonna laugh at you!

"You gotta have entered the atmosphere before the words 'Adam Sandler, recording artist,' to be served in this establishment."

Very

Mmmm.

Cool like that

"You must be older than the Digable Planets to be served in this establishment."

"You gotta be older than Myst to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the new and eternal era of peace in the Middle East to be served in this establishment!"

 

"Yeah, kid, I'm being sarcastic.  Otherwise that crone over your shoulder wouldn't be able to drink here."  

"See, it's funny because they've never stopped consecrating their holy lands with their own blood and the blood of innocents on the other side?  Get it?  It's not so much 'funny ha-ha.'  More 'funny we're-all-gonna-die.'"

Not its real name, of course

"You must be older than 'Hillarycare' to be served in this establishment."

... okay, kind of a cheat.  The following Time cover appeared days earlier:

And the proposal had been in the plans going back to Harris Woffard's Senate race.  The First Lady's role in the legislation is perhaps what's most famous about the episode, and that wouldn't formally begin for another week.  Still, the address above is as good a birthday as I can come up with, so.... yeah, let's go with that. 

... and happy birthday, Brita!

Dennis Franz's buttcheeks (happy, dad?)

"You must be older than N.Y.P.D. Blue to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Dad!  (I could have said this during this morning's.  I chose not to.  He's, uh, conservative.)

Yes I Am (I hasten to add she missed a comma after "Yes")

 "You must be older than 'Come to My Window' to be served in this establishment."

His name is Robert Paulson

"You must be... buhh, Meatloaf, I don't care.  Here."

"... and older than In Utero...."

I mean, "The Max Weinberg era"

"You gotta be older than the Conan O'Brien Late Night era to be served in this establishment."

Raymond Burr

"Or, if my Superman admonition seemed a bit convoluted, you gotta have sucked wind with Perry Mason to drink here."

"You gotta be older than that Superman t.v. show..."

"... no, that other one.  The newer one."

"No! Goddammit!  The one with the people everyone thought were sex symbols back when Ross Perot could still get on t.v.?"

... and happy birthday, Aaron and Mike! 

I want to believe

"You must be older than The X-Files to be served in this establishment."

... and wow, there are a lot of fan remixes on Youtube.

"You must be older than Bill Nye, the Science Guy to be served in this establishment."

And because he's (stupefyingly) still relevant, given how (stupefyingly) ignorant some people insist on being, let's take a look at this, shall we?

Respect.  Respect. 

But he's still no Mr. Wizard.

"... and Gerald Ford, whom I personally blame for Chevy getting his own show"

"You must be older than the Chevy Chase talk show to be served in this establishment."

Da plane!

"You must have lived at the same time as Herve Villachaize to be served in this establishment."

janet.

"You must be older than the Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than The John Laraquette Show to be served in this establishment."

Obviously a legacy from Night Court, Laraquette's sorta-spinoff was actually intriguingly dark.  The main character was an alcoholic in recovery---probably not the first time that's been featured on television, but the first I remember---whose life was a deep contrast from ADA Dan Fielding.

I'm probably romanticizing it more than can be justified.  Television was pretty terrible then, and I didn't have a driver's license, so it was easy to imagine seeing silver linings.  Laraquette (and did I really forget to mention that he shares his birthday with both JFK Jr. and Jill Hennessy?) played the night manager of a bus station, and while I don't remember the series having a tremendous about of social realism, it was a pretty decent example of the grittiness of lower class life actually getting a showing on television---or lower-class life portrayed by people pretty enough to be on t.v., anyways.  (One might contrast this with Malcolm and the Middle, which while not glitzy never felt fraught.)  Anyway, it lasted like a year or two. 

... and happy birthday, Michaelle!

Last Splash

"You must be older than 'Cannonball' to be served in this establishment."

Stupid human tricks

"You must be older than The Late Show with David Letterman to be served in this establishment."

I can't find a copy online, but if memory serves, the intro to the inaugural episode was a montage of Ed Sullivan clips introducing bands (including The Letterman) cut together to make an awkward impression of Sullivan introducing, for example, "the wonderful <slice> the magnificent <slice> the talented <slice> ... <slice> David <slice> Letterman!"

Anyway, given the recent announcement (above), it's kind of a poignant milestone.

I still blame him for cutting Louie C.K. out as revenge for auditioning for his job.  Cold, Dave.  Cold. 

"You must be older than Living Single to be served in this establishment."

Honestly, any jokey title would just be pointless

"You must be older than the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers to be served in this establishment."
 

 

 

(xkcd link)

Wario

My son just told me he thinks Wario is "Mario's evil uncle " wtf.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 17, 2014

"You must be older than Mario & Wario to be served in this establishment."

"Evidently this was not, in fact, the first appearance, as Wario had shown up in a Gameboy title the year before, but this was the first time he was used in an actual NES game."

"I, uh... I don't know anything about Wario."

"Wow, sorry, I just zoned out there.  You still here?  You must really want that drink... or else I've driven you catatonic.  Either way, first one's on the house."

Oh Carolina

"You must be older than Shaggy's musical career to be served in this establishment."

Who you callin' "cracker"? Oh, right. I get it.

"You must be older than Kerosene Hat to be served in this establishment."

Surf Ninjas

"You must be older than Rob Schneider's first starring (so to speak) role to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Michael Jackson child sexual abuse allegations to be served in this establishment."

River of Dreams

"You must have been born during Billy Joel's recording career to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than Magic: The Gathering to be served in this establishment."

Become What You Are

"You must be older than Juliana Hatfield's recording career to be served in this establishment."

Tuesday Night Music Club

"You must be older than Sheryl Crow's recording career to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than 'Max Power' to be served in this establishment."

I really don't know the story here, because the timing suggests its a coincidence.  But how can it be a coincidence?  Anyway, he's quite genuinely a boy from Birkenhead.

... no clue about any tattoos, though.

Greatest day I've ever known

"You must be older than Siamese Dream to be served in this establishment."

I keep tellin' you guys that '93 was the best year ever for music, and you guys keep fightin' me.  No, no---keep it up.  Just because it hasn't worked the first hundred times you tried it doesn't mean it won't work this time.  Keep at it, geniuses. 

Sorry, was that passive aggressive? 

"You must be older than the only UB40 song you remember to be served in this establishment."

 

Okay, fine.  "Red, Red Wine," too.

Whoomp! there's my butt!

"Tag Team, back again, back it up, party people---oh, whuh? didn't see you."

"What?  No!  I wasn't---look, dude, you know me, and I don't go down for that sort of... I mean, I was just making fun of it."

 

 

"Anyway, before you sit down, can I see some ID?"

Don't you know I'm loco?

"You must be older than 'Insane in the Brain' to be served in this establishment."

Vince Foster

"You must have been born before the Vince Foster murder suicide to be served in this establishment."

 

Oh, yeah, like I'm the bad guy.  What, "too soon"?  Boo all you like. 

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

"You must be older than the 1993 DADT announcement[fn1] to be served in this establishment."


ABC News | ABC Sports News

fn1:  This actually is another event with multiple possible dates, and I think I've already got the formal promulgation of the rule elsewhere in this timeline.  Eh.  Slow week in history, so thought I'd double dip.  (Not in a gay way, I mean.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.) 

... and happy birthday, George!

Girl, Interrupted

"You must be older than Girl, Interrupted (the book) to be served in this establishment."

Listening to Prozac

"You must be older than Listening to Prozac[fn1] to be served in this establishment."

(image)

fn1:  With the ordinarily added caveat that publication dates are approximated from their first appearance on the best-sellers' list by counting backwards to the previous Tuesday. 

Randall Monroe disapproves of my project

Tee-hee.

Actually, about the only thing I remember is Dwayne Wayne

"You gotta have lived through A Different World to be served in this joint."

"What?  I'm not just sayin' 'you gotta' and 'joint' because y'all are black!  I'm not."

"Saying.  With a  '-g.'  And, um, 'all of you.'"

Also known as "the Edge-foot-face-video album"

"You must be older than Zooropa to be served in this establishment."

Debut

"You must be older than Björk's solo career to be served in this establishment."

And now, a single that I actually hadn't heard before (it was only released as a bonus track in some regions.  One of which was not the Sam Goody at my parents' suburban mall):

"You must be older than the Philippines central bank to be served in this establishment."

I have absolutely no idea whether this is a good one.  Seriously, I know nothing about this reserve bank.  It's got reserves about the size of the RBA, and Australia has an economy six times the size of the Philippines, so... that's something?

... and happy birthday, Sung & Sawyer!

"You must have breathed the same air as Don Drysdale to be served in this establishment."

"You must have breathed the same air as Fred Gwynne to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Katrin!

"You must have lived at the same time as ''Kreuzberg 36' to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Billy!

"You gotta have breathed the same air as G.G. Allin to be served in this establishment."

"And if you did breathe the same air... well, sorry, kid, but ain't none of us ever going to be clean."

Talkin' baseball, Kluszewski and Campanella

"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Roy Campanella to be served in this establishment."

Winner of three MVPs, five pennants, and a World Series ring.  Owner of a career .500 slugging percentage while playing catcher full time.  And he didn't get a chance at the majors until he was 26, joining the Dodgers two years after Jackie Robinson integrated baseball.  His career ended when he was paralyzed in a car accident.