"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Sun Ra to be served in this establishment."

Cliffhanger

"Ehh, I don't care."

"You must be older than Eritrean independence to be served in this establishment."

I'm tired; you make the Zack Morris joke

"You must have lived through Saved by the Bell to be served in this establishment."

"Christ, I never would have thought I'd see the day where responding to the name 'Screech' is a tell that you are old enough to drink.  Sheesh."
--
fn:  Sorry about the sound quality.  You'd think the Youtube generation would be all over this particular show, but... nope, guess not. 

Sometimes you wanna go

"You must have lived through Cheers to be served in this establishment."

Organix

"You must be older than The Roots to be served in this establishment."

Those of you old enough to remember the process of actually acquiring music by means of a tangible medium like compact discs may remember The Roots' idiosyncratic numbering scheme for their album tracks.

To wit, the band got the idea to make their tracks number consecutively, so their second album wouldn't start over again at track #1 but rather continue with track #18 (the first album having seventeen tracks), their third starting at track #34, and so on. 

Well, it seems obvious now, but if you weren't already a hip hop head, probably all you saw at first was Things Fall Apart and its numbering from #54, which could have meant any number of things.  Perhaps if the first album and the second could be laid out side by side I would have grasped the trick immediately. 

But Organix was the album that was hardest to track down.  Things Fall Apart blew everything up for them, obviously, and you could find Do You Want More? with a trip to just a couple of record stores.  But The Roots' inaugural album somehow just wasn't ever in the CD bins, not at the stores uptown or the superstore in Union Square, not at Kim's on Broadway or even the stores in Harlem.  I don't know, maybe it was a NY-Philly thing?  Like, Giants and Met fans didn't want to stock Philadelphia bands? 

Oh, was I wandering?  I'm sorry, I think I was wandering.  Anyway.  This is a better hip hop act that's about a mile better than your favorite hip hop act, no matter who that is (with, like, two possible exceptions).  You didn't pay attention to them when they started, and neither did I or anyone we knew, but... yeah.  Twenty-one years now. 

janet.

Good lord, how did this happen!  Somehow the following post got filtered into the "pending" rather than the "scheduled" box.  I don't actually know how any of this works, so... you know.  Sorry!

"You must be older than that Janet Jackson album---yes, that Janet Jackson album, the one with---listen, you know what I'm---to be served in this establishment."

Gabbo Gabbo Hey!

"You must be older than the Krusty Comeback Special to be served in this establishment."

Hey, for some reason Fox's IP lawyers have failed to take this down yet.  Enjoy while you can!

Also, check out this clip---if this looks and sounds at all familiar, you (like I) are way too old to still be coming to this bar.

"You must have lived through the Wonder Years to be served in this establishment."

Whatever

"You must be older than Aimee Mann's solo career to be served in this establishment."

Dot dot dot!

 

"You must be older than Rancid to be served in this establishment."

In a van, down by the river!

"You must be older than the Chris Farley character Matt Foley to be served in this establishment."

NBC apparently has pulled the actual SNL sketches from wherever it used to be, so sorry for that. 

--
ed.n., apparently due to a typo, either my own or elsewhere on the Internet, this was originally scheduled for release ten days late.  We regret ... eh. 

A million D.A.R.E. commercials couldn't match the argument of that single right arm

"You must be have been born before Doc Gooden last threw a shutout as a Met to drink in this establishment."

He threw one more years later, as a Yankee.  As all right-thinking Americans know and attest, that doesn't count.

(Note the Gaddafi story in the corner.  Yeah, a different time....)

This will undoubtedly be the biggest party this joint has ever seen

"You must be older than the Rob Portman era to be served in this shiz-nit tonight!"

"All my party people say O-M-B!  You down with OMB? yeah you know me!"

Jimmy Carter? He's history's greatest monster!

Hmmm...

To put right what once went wrong

"You must have lived through the Quantum Leap era to be served in this establishment."

 

... annnnnd okay, scoff all you want, but before you do---name me one more heartbreaking scene than this:

Even in Spanish.  Or Italian.  Sorry, not sure. 

C'mon and measure me / I'm fifty inches long

"You must be older than the first time you heard of PJ Harvey (unless you were like Kurt Cobain) to be served in this establishment."

"Oh, gee, how could I have forgotten?"

It turns out I forgot to observe May Eve a couple days ago, too---and I've even been on a Lovecraft jag lately, so forgiveness, please. 

Anyway, I got no idea what kids can do at 16 in England---drink, maybe?  If so, insert Butterbeer joke here.

Republic

♫

AmB♭CDmF

♫

I would like a place I can call my own,
Have a conversation on the telephone!
Wake up every day; that would be a start.
I would not complain of my wounded heart.
I was a short fuse...

"Sing it with me, kid.  Also, see some ID?"

I've said it before---1993 was an absolutely astounding year for music.  Just so far in this recollect, we've seen the debuts of Radiohead, Suede, Primus, Tool, and The Cranberries; the solo debut of Frank Black; record-book new entries from Tupac, Sting, and Lenny Kravitz; and solid, solid, long awaited returns of Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, and New Order.  Then there's 2 Unlimited, Ace of Bass, Snow, and Onyx---hey, it doesn't go on the Hall of Fame sheet, but you know you listened to that shit. 

And we're about a third of the way through the year.  Still to come---well, limited spoilers.  Midnight Marauders is still T.K., and guess what?  It's not close to the most essential hip-hop album of the year.  Not even close.  Nirvana's still to come, Pearl Jam's still to come, PJ Harvey, too---and besides those three, possibly the most essential Alternative Nation video of the nineties.  Frank Black's won't even register after the solo debut still to come, and Exile in Guyville might be in the top five albums one would quintessentially describe as "classic work by a female artist" still in the works.  Might be. 

Helluva year.  Too bad, the way I spent it....