Get it right or pay the price!

"You must be older than Salute Your Shorts to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Battletoads to drink here."

"And would it be too much to ask that you be less geeky?  Oh.  I guess if you got that reference, that ship's pretty much sailed, huh?"

... and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.

"You must be older than Soapdish to drink in this establishment."


Careful readers will note we are continuing with the theme of my infatuation with Elizabeth Shue.  By "careful readers," of course, we mean "anyone not comotose, the way I've been hitting you over the head with it."

You must be older than the third Witchcraft to---oh, who the hell am I kidding.  It's Memorial Day, and I'm not doing the regular thing.

I'm not really into the whole military culture thing enough to have something poignant to say.

Elif4Zaggin

"You must be older than Niggaz4Life to drink here."

Bleeyau! how ya like me now?

Happy 21st birthday, first kid conceived to "Mama Said Knock You Out"!

Of all the "mama said" songs, I think this one slots in just after "__ told me not to come" and "__ there'd be days like this" but way ahead of "__ eat your spinach" and "__ you're adopted."

Gish

"You must be older than The Smashing Pumpkins to drink in this establishment."

There are two more records coming up later this year---it won't take you long to think of both of them---that I'm continually astonished came after those I've already put up (this one, Temple of the Dog, and especially The Breeders).  (Not so much Hammer and "Do the Bartman.")  Amazing times.

Gotta do the cooking by the book

"Wait, no, you're kidding.  Really?  Oh well.  You gotta be older than Stephanie to drink here."

(To the snickering YTMND paedos:  You're welcome.)

It's the "sons of witches" that makes it great

(fingers drumming)  "Oh, hey.  Uhh... sorry.  Not much this-date-in-history.  If it's your 21st birthday, you mighta been conceived after Darkman.  Sorry.  Best I came up with."

"Your folks must have been ... interesting, though.  Too bad they're not still together; you could ask 'em about it."

"... oh, they are still together?  Like, on purpose?  Oh, wow.  I'm sorry, kid.  Look, this round's on me."

"No, no---nothing about that.  Um, because it's your birthday?  Happy birthday!  Just ... just drink this."

Le sigh, indeed

"You must be older than Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken to drink in this establishment."

Well, I did warn you you'd be seeing more of her.

"You must be older than Thelma and Louise to drink in this establishment."

"Seinfeld, party of four!"

"You must be older than 'The Chinese Restaurant' to drink in this establishment."

"We're never going to survive unless---"

"You must be older than 'Crazy' by Seal to drink in this establishment."

"You gotta have breathed some of the same air as the last PM named Gandhi to drink in this establishment."

Thankfully, your father didn't take Calvin's message too thoroughly to heart

Happy 21st birthday, first kid conceived in the G.R.O.S.S. era!

(pic source)

"Two miles an hour, so everybody sees you"

"You must be older than 'Summertime' to drink in this establishment."

Damn.  Forgot how mellow that makes me feel.

I'm trying, Michael

"You must be older than Knight Rider 2000 to drink in this establishment."

"You think I'd let Lula go out with a piece of ess-aitch-ai-tut like you?! Boy, you belong in one of these toilets."

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived on a date to see Wild at Heart!

"You think he's gone?"

"You must be older than What About Bob? to drink in this establishment."

ЦОЙ жив!

Happy 21st birthday, last kid who could imagine he was secretly conceived by Victor Tsoi.

"Muraveynik zhivyot..."  Seriously, if you don't know the name already, do yourself a lesson and go read.  Better yet, go listen.

"When I heard 'I'm stereotyped to kill and destruct / Is one of the main reasons I don't give a fuck,' I knew I wanted to have that man's babies"

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived to "100 Miles and Runnin'"!

"You must be older than Sailing the Seas of Cheese to drink in this establishment."

It's an interesting window, this---it's not Primus's first record, nor did it become a hit until years later.  It was an entrance, of sorts, for them into the mainstream, but that's rather minor, as milestones go.  A decade later, Primus was probably the top-ten favorite band for an awful lot of alternative/punk/metal/funk fans---and Les Claypool was definitely the favorite bass player of anyone who liked music at all---but they really didn't have the entres that the rest of the bands of the nineties had.

Funny, the way that goes, sometimes.

"I thought I was the Duke of Earl when I made it with a red-haired girl in a Chevrolet...."

"You must be older than De La Soul Is Dead to drink in this establishment."

Oh, wait---wrong "Keeping the Faith."  Oh well.  They're both good.

I shall now count from one to ten

"You must be older than Lars von Trier's Europa to drink in this establishment."

"Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived to 'Sadeness' by Enigma!"

"Lemme guess, your dad was the last guy of his friends to have a fuzzy goatee and ponytail, and your mom tried to bond with you over Enya and later Belly, and you probably want to order a cocktail invented during Prohibition with a name like 'vespertine' or something.  Well, we ain't got that, so here's your whiskey and rocks and a special birthday tip:  Quit thumbing through the jukebox looking for the Magnetic Fields and go tell them cute hipsters they got nice eyes and see which of 'em wants to go home with ya.  Everything's a lot easier if you stop treating the world like it's your eighth grade art project."

He drove so goddamn fast

"You must be older than 'Jerry Was a Racecar Driver' to drink in this establishment."

Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh

"You must be older than Comic Book Guy to drink in this establishment."

(pic)

Wow, that really was one of the best episodes ever.  Hard to find clips owing to Fox policy, but this one's still up:

Apologies for the quality.

Because nothing says "party" like these bitchin' vintage Walkman headphones!

"You must be older than MTV Party to Go to drink in this establishment."

Hmm... since this is when Mtv still played music videos, let's go with one of those.  "Personal Jesus"?  "Feels Good"?  "Tom's Diner"?  Hmm... nope, got it:

Daudz laimes dzimšanas dienā!

"You must be older than Latvia to drink in this establishment."

(Pic and background here.)

This one's for my occasional Latvian reader.  I know you're scoffing, but really!  Check out my stats below:

Ohhh!.... < /andrewdiceclay>

"You must be older than EMF to drink in this establishment."

Their first three singles were "Unbelievable," "I Believe," and "Lies," but I never figured out if they were doing a thing with that.

You know what? let's hear that one more time:

(Thanks to Dave for the latter mashup.)

"Because you grandiose motherfucker don't play shit that they like"

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived after Mo' Better Blues!

Perhaps not surprisingly, imdb contains no "memorable quotes" for me to abuse in this headline

"You must have been born before someone spoke the words, 'Hey, why don't we see that John Stamos movie tonight?' to drink in this establishment."

Sretan rođendan!

Happy 21st birthday, first kids born after the crack-up of Yugoslavia!

(pic source)

Rush rush (get the llello!)

"You must be older than 'Rush Rush' to drink in this establishment."

...christ, 's'like dealing with children.  Not funny, guys.

Ahh, that's the stuff.