Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?

"You must be older than The Cranberries to be served in this establishment."

"You must have been born before the beginning of the siege of the Branch Davidians in Waco to be served in this establishment."

This is only the first installment of this story.  For obvious, ominous reasons. 

"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Lillian Gish to be served in this establishment."

Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade

"You must be older than the World Trade Center bombing to be served in this establishment."

 

... and happy birthday, Eva!

The Wedding Album

"You must be older than Duran Duran* to be served in this establishment."

 

*  ... obviously, the eponymous album, not the band itself.  

19 Naughty III

"You must be older than 'Hip-Hop Hooray' to be served in this establishment."

I'm a creep

"You must be older than Radiohead to be served in this establishment."

 

... and happy birthday, Umair!

Do a barrel roll!

"Hey, remember Star Fox?  You gotta be older than that to drink here."

Honey, you got real ugly

"You must be older than Army of Darkness to be served here."

Happy Nation

"You must be older than Ace of Bass to be served in this establishment."

X-Wing

"You must be older than LucasArts computer games to be served in this establishment."

You take me to, and lead me through, Babylon

"You must be older than 'I Feel You' to be served in this establishment."

This was the band's first appearance in three years and the first single since the triplet from Violator ("World in My Eyes," "Policy of Truth," and of course "Enjoy the Silence").  I feel like I remember there being a story about Gahan's relapses explaining the absence, but coming in rapid succession with the awaited returns of both Duran Duran and New Order, it seemed like a clarion for a return of 80s British New Wave. 

And for children of the suburbs with no drivers' license, bored after dark with nothing but Alternative Nation to look forward to after their homework was done, the videos from these albums... well, this might have been the first moment you got the notion there was something cooler out there beyond high school and the Grateful Dead album covers reproduced on your pretend-stoners' tie-dye tees and the Paul Simon lyrics the nerdy kids pored over.  You didn't quite understand that what was cool for a lithe, addicted Brit wouldn't have the same effect coming out of someone still working on the same teenage mustache for six months now, but the walk back from the lockers is where you learn that sort of thing. 

If you really got the wrong idea, maybe this was the moment you decided to grow your hair out and wearing British-style jackets to high school. 

... and happy Valentine's Day, you sickening, saccharine, lovesick loons. 

"You must have been born before the end of Double Dare to be served in this restaurant."

Then put your little hand in mine...

"You must be older than Groundhog Day to be served in this establishment."

Aww... that's not enough.  Let's give Bill a little bit more time, yeah?

I Choo-Choo-Choose You!

"You must be older than 'I Love Lisa' to drink here."

Ehhh... it's kind of hard to find good Youtube clips, thanks to the diligent efforts of junior attorneys in Fox's IP division.

Uhhh....

"You must be older than 311 to drink here."

"... but boyo, you even try to put that shite on the jukebox, and you'll need something a lot stronger than a drink.  You understand me?"

Czech money (lot of easy puns I'm ignoring---you're welcome)

"You must be older than the Czech koruna to be served in this establishment."

Obviously this is only due to the recently prior separation of Czechoslovakia.  The Slovak equivalent would have turned 21 a day earlier, but it's since been replaced by the euro.  (So young... forever young.) 

Namesake of the remaining stadium in Queens spelled with the letters S-H-E-A

"You must have been alive at the same time as Arthur Ashe to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Family & Medical Leave Act to be served in this establishment."

I'm old enough to remember when this simple act of requiring employers to make minor accommodation to what can be crushing hardships to the men and women who work for them was thought by conservatives a tyrannical imposition into the economic liberty of private individuals to contract.  In fact, I remember it like it was yesterday (it was yesterday). (rimshot)