Boutros-Ghali

"You must be older than David Letterman's 'call me Boutros' joke to drink in this establishment."

Update

Blog traffic has exploded over the past few days since I announced my mugging (as I remarked to one frequent visitor over email, "My audience has spoken, and while it finds my little musings readable, what it really wants to hear about me getting punched in the head"), and it occurs to me that having provided no updates might convey the message that things are worse than they are.  

So by way of an update:  Things aren't that bad.  'Bout the worst injury I sustained was to my knee, which collided with the pavement, and while that was pretty stiff the day after, it seems to be sorting itself out pretty well, and today my little limp seems to have disappeared almost entirely.  (I'm something of a running enthusiast, but I'm in lousy shape and tend to overdo things, so I'm rather familiar with the spectrum of joint injuries in the lower body, particularly in the spring when I first hit the track after taking the winter off.  I know you guys were saying, "Hank, you claim that you're your knee's on the mend, but do you really know?"  "Homeboy, please.  I know.")  A couple of tender spots on the side and back of my head, more consistent with mild bruising than with anything more intrusive, and while still tender, they seem to be going away on the anticipated timeline.  A cut on the inside of my lip has scabbed over slightly to where there is precisely zero chance I could convince someone it wasn't a herpes blister,[fn1] so that's likely it for dating for the foreseeable.
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fn1:  Yeah, a regrettable double negative.  I did try to rephrase but couldn't come up with satisfactory alternatives.

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All in all?  I'm pretty sure I'm fine.  Don't get me wrong:  I appreciate the attention.  But in case the recent traffic is driven by concern for my well-being, kindly allow me to disabuse you of any fears.  

"You must have been born when the Soviet Union still existed in order to drink here."

"Unless, I guess, you were born before the Soviet Union existed.  You look pretty good for 95, actually."  

Swol' temple

So.... I just got mugged.  Well, by "just" I mean two hours ago; going to the NYPD precinct is really a comprehensive endeavor, it turns out.[fn1]  I'm bleeding from my upper lip (where the guy hit me), and also from my knee, where I fell onto (when the guy hit me).  Neither hurts bad, and neither is particularly troubling, medical-wise, and the emergency services mostly just asked me my phone number and social, because "it feels kind of swollen, like when you bite your cheek" and "I fell down but didn't lose consciousness" apparently aren't great dramatic scripts.  
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fn1:  Yeah, "it turns out" is code for "footnote:  shit EVERYONE KNEW except for me."  Sorry.  
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As an aspiring author of great dramatic scripts, this is useful insight.  

So what happened is this, and by sheer coincidence this is exactly what happened the last time I got mugged, which was 8-9 years ago:  I left a bar, thinking nothing of the local circumstances, because, fuck, I'd just left a bar.  One block later, I was awakened to the wrongness of my presumption when someone ran up on the side of me and struck me with his fist. 

Let me pause here.  To be punched with a fist is a ... variable experience.  Had the person striking me been Mike Tyson, I have no doubt I would have surrendered my possessions, my sexual availability (Mike, of course, don't play 'dat, but as a matter of respect purely I would have offered---call me Mike!), and if he had expressed interest I would have chaired his presidential campaign.  But Mike Tyson is more than merely human.

Mere humans one reacts to differently.  When it happened to me 8-9 years ago I merely scampered.  Tonight I hit the concrete (that's when my jeans tore and why my knee bleeds).  Both then and now, the purported brigand had not thought through what to do, and when I offered up no money, he had little to do besides.  Last time he merely asked for "your money"; this time, he thought to specify iPad, et cetera, but when I didn't have anything to proffer, both times the robbery turned pretty disappointing. 

So I found myself in a police car outside an apartment building where a guy was being handcuffed, and cops were asking me if the guy looked like the guy who hit me (he did), and people who knew that guy were asking the cops who the fuck was I this guy in the back of a squad car wearing some gangster had (I swear to god I didn't think the hat was gangster).  So... I guess I'm not wearing that hat anymore.

Other than that, I have no comment on the police investigation.  It's just... almost seven in the morning.  Perhaps some day.  

This day, I have a throbbing head---I hit the pavement, when he hit me---and I'm exhausted and I just don't feel good about anything.  I would love to have some refuge in music or books or a recent baseball event, I wish there were something that besides-all-of-that remained a source of solace and joy, but...  I just don't.  

He didn't get my wallet, and he didn't get my iPad.  He got my solace and joy, though.  Shit.

"You must be older than JFK to drink in this establishment."

...uhh, no.  Not the guy.  The misguided Oliver Stone paranoia project.  Jesus, the guy---what was he born in, 1920?

"What're you talking about? Armani doesn't make a blue tuxedo."

"You must be older than Father of the Bride to drink in this establishment."

Can you come to the bathroom with me? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.

"You must be older than The Last Boy Scout to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Tecmo Super Bowl to drink in this establishment."

Not as classic as the original, of course, but the link above notes this was the first game to have teams feature their in-reality players.

"You must be older than Hook to drink in this establishment."

Falling drop like a stone

"You must be older than 'Sax and Violins' to drink in this establishment."

I didn't know this---it actually appeared for the first time on the End of the World soundtrack, as did all other tracks on that album except the eponymous U2 single.

"You must have been born before the end of the Judds Era to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Rhonda!

[programming note:  Apologies for the slow pace; hopefully it'll improve soon.  Also, hereby soliciting better formulations than "born before the ___ era" for dates that mark the beginning or end of entertainers' careers; I'm not terribly satisfied with this one.]

"You must have been born before the Tim Russert Era to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Kelly!

I come and I go (in between your kidneys)

"Happy twenty-first birthday, last kids who could have been Serge Gainsbourg's illegitimate love child!"

"You must be older than Dangerous to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Ricky Martin's first album to drink in this establishment."

... as with BloodSugarSexMagic coming out the same day as Low End Theory and Nevermind, there's a bigger event to come.  Keep your radio dial tuned to my shitty blog for all the latest!

"You must be older than 'Mysterious Ways' to drink in this establishment."

"You must have breathed the same air as Freddy Mercury to drink in this establishment."

"He used to be a cave man..."

"You must be older than Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Stephanie!

"You must be older than Beauty and the Beast to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Jaren!

He backlashed my bootie like I was Susan Faludi

"You must be older than Backlash to drink in this establishment."

Let's all go...

"You must be older than 'Flaming Moe's' to drink in this establishment."

First Dr. Pepper-and-cough syrup cocktail's on the house, birthday boy. 

On another note (just because I can)...

...today in Calvin and Hobbes history:

"You must be older than Achtung Baby to drink in this establishment."

"You must have been born before Terry Waite was freed to drink in this establishment."

A confession:  This one doesn't actually make me feel old, because I don't remember hearing about this while it happened.  In later years, I remember coming across the story in articles about 80s politics and Mideast affairs.  Somehow, though, I completely missed it.

Black or White

"You must be older than the 'Black or White' video to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Cape Fear to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than 2Pacalypse Now to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Real Love to drink in this establishment."

There was something about the nineties that produced a handful of songs with identical titles.  Mary J. Blige's track with the same title was only a year off, and The Beatles' later track was released alongside the Anthology series in '95.  My favorite, however, remains the coincidence of "Show Me Love" by both of Robyn and Robin S., especially when I get the dates wrong and say they came out in the same year (they didn't).  

We Can't Dance

"You must have been born before the end of the Phil Collins era of Genesis in this establishment."

Strictly Business

"You must be older than Halle Berry's film career to drink in this establishment."

Yeah, yeah---technically she had a bit part in Jungle Fever four months earlier, but this is the first role she was listed as a co-star. 

"You must have been born before Magic Johnson announced he was H.I.V.-positive to drink in this establishment."

(pic)

"You gotta have lived at the same time as Fred MacMurray to drink in this establishment."

He wasn't always so serious, of course.

"You must be older than Bandwagonesque to drink in this establishment."

... actually, I have a soft spot for Young Adult, so here's that scene:

Outsourcing to Ken Jennings

This is neat:  You must be older than the Sistine Chapel to get into... I don't know.  Lothlórien? 

Go bye-bye!

"You must have been alive during Muppet Babies to drink in this establishment."

Sorry...

... for not being around; you may have heard of a little thing to happen to my hometown.  Internet was out from the weekend on (evidently the cable company got hit by Sandy before it made landfall elsewhere), so even if I had been able to find good events to catalog, I would have been prevented from doing so.  However, I was looking at this week with some trepidation, as there was really a blank space in pop culture 21 years ago.  I mean, the Halloween Blizzard, but that's lame ("Really? And the anniversary is on the same day. Weird."), and very little besides.

Anyway, I know most of my readers are from... Uzbekistan, if Blogger's stats are to be believed, so hope the rest of you stayed dry.

"You must be older than Too Legit 2 Quit 2 drink here... I mean, 'to drink here.'"

Whoo-woo-WHOOO-whoo

"You gotta have been born before Gene Roddenberry boldly went where none have gone before to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than House Party II to drink in this establishment."

You can get with this, or you can get with that

"You must be older than Black Sheep to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Girlfriend to drink in this establishment."

Me and a Gun

"You must be older than Tori Amos's solo career to drink in this establishment."

I would be remiss if I didn't note this:  Paul Oakenfold fans may be surprised to hear this sample from "Me and a Gun."  Quite the different spin (no pun intended).

O.P.M.

"You must be older than Other People's Money to drink in this establishment."

I always know where I am by the way that the road looks.

"You must be older than My Own Private Idaho to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than the massacre at Luby's to drink in this establishment."

Ugly Kid Joe

"You must be older than... this... experiment in what they call 'music' to drink in this establishment."

Here's the Fly Girls

"You must be older than the start of Jennifer Lopez's career to drink in this establishment."

I'm a little verklempt

"You must be older than Coffee Tawk to drink in this establishment."

I'm coming, Elizabeth

"You gotta have breathed some of the same air as Redd Foxx to drink in this establishment."

Close your ears, Pookie

"You must be older than Frankie and Johnny to drink in this establishment."

I don't get mad; I get stabby

"You must be older than Fat Tony to drink in this establishment."

Wait---"outshined" or "outshone"?

"You must be older than Badmotorfinger to drink in this establishment."

Brenda's Got a Baby

"You must be older than 2Pac's solo career to drink in this establishment."

Who has put a pubic hair on my coke?

You must be older than the sexual harassment allegations against Clarence Thomas to drink in this establishment.

Man in the Moon

"You must be older than Reese Witherspoon's career to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Worldwide to drink in this establishment."

Where on earth?

"You must be older than the 'Carmen Sandiego' t.v. show to drink in this establishment."

"No, I get the joke. I just think it's unnecessary."

"You must be older than Necessary Roughness to drink in this establishment."

"You gotta have breathed some of the same air as Dr. Seuss to drink in this establishment."

They are kissing their hellos; I'm pretending not to hear them, and instead I

"You must be older than 'Tom's Diner' to drink in this establishment."

Very big caveat here:  The song is actually ten years older than this, and was released to little reception in 1987.  The British outfit DNA remixed it into the familiar version in the vid above in 1990, and it eventually wandered from England back across the Atlantic and charted here.  Vega herself put it out 21 years ago tomorrow, which is the only precise date I have, but quite possibly the reader will have heard it some time before then.

(I realize the earlier entry from today probably deserves the whole date to itself.  I acknowledge that.  But I like this song.  Write your own damn "semi-significant dates in history that make you feel old" blog!)

Nevermind

"You must be older than Nevermind to drink in this establishment."

Twisting and turning, your feelings are burning

"You must be older than Blood Sugar Sex Magik to drink in this establishment."

... no, this isn't the big one.  Keep waiting.

Here we go, yo

"You must be older than The Low End Theory to drink in this establishment."

Obviously this is a great album, but it's entirely dwarfed by another with the same release date.  Keep watching this space.

Happy 21st birthday, kids conceived on a date to see Bonfire of the Vanities!

... and happy birthday, Brita!

"Can I call it 'the last enjoyable appearance by Patch Addams I mean Robin Williams?"

"You must be older than The Fisher King to drink in this establishment."

John Jay Smith

"You must be older than the Michael Jackson episode of The Simpsons to drink in this establishment."

Nevermind the darkness; we still can find a way

"You must be older than Use Your Illusion to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Nightmares on Wax to drink in this establishment."

She twists and she whirls, dismissing it all away

"You must be older than Cerulean to drink in this establishment."

I'm really surprised to see the band's wikipedia presence is so limited.  I found them when someone, somewhere said "Hey, you like the Smiths? have you heard this?"

He met a girl out there with the tattoo too

"You must be older than 'Into the Great Wide Open' to drink in this establishment."

Oh, and as promised, here's another appearance.

Stay on top

"You must be older than 'Cream' to drink here."

"Dammit, kid, not that one."

"Uhh... no."

"Seriously?  You're just fucking with me, right?  Here, I'll do it my damn self."

Tailhook

"You must be older than Tailhook to drink in this establishment."

Riddle

What's got eight fingers and just crossed 1,000 page views?

The blog that just posted a picture of this guy!

It happened in the past few days, so thanks, unknown Russian Microsoft adherent who got here after a search for troll-face celebrity pics!

Gene Hackman and... a ballet dancer. Not quite what it sounds like

"You must be older than Company Business to drink in this establishment."

To my Brand Nubians you don't stop

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived in the Brand Nubian era!

Oh, uhh... whoops.  Wrong one:

Hoping, praying for you

Happy 21st birthday, kids conceived after the "Justify My Love" broadcast!

No matter where you go, there you are

"You must be older than Naughty by Nature to drink in this establishment."[fn1]

fn1:  The album, not the band.  Their first album was evidently a couple years before, but it garnered little attention.  "Garnered little attention," of course, was the catchy lyric from their lead single, "Ye of Ill Repute."

"What's it short for? It's short for 'Paaaaaaat!'"

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived after a "Pat" sketch!

... and happy birthday, Michaelle!

I eat 'em raw like sushi

Happy 21st birthday, last kids to be sure they weren't conceived to "Rico Suave."

... and happy birthday, Archer!

"You must be older than The Pope Must Die to drink in this establishment."

A voice like a crystal bell

Happy 21st birthday, first children conceived in the Nancy Lamott era!

Anyone who's listened to WNYC's Jonathan Schwartz Show already knows about her.  If you don't, do yourself a favor and learn about one of the greatest talents of this era, whose time on this earth was ended far too soon.

"You must have been alive during Soviet communism to drink in this establishment."

"Haven't you heard? It's the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies"

"You must be older than Shakes the Clown to drink in this establishment."

Mookie Blalock

"You must be older than Pearl Jam's Ten to drink in this establishment."

That's the whole album there.  I had gone back and forth between "Once," "Jeremy," "Black," and "Garden" as the representative track, but---and this is clued right at once, with the fade-in in the beginning---it really is an album that's meant to be listened to in its entirety, that works as a whole really much more than do all its individual songs.  There's a few other examples of albums that work symphonically in this way---U2's Boy certainly, and The Joshua Tree, at least once you skip the first three tracks; The Cure's Disintegration is a better example even than Ten; and Sgt. Pepper's and Good Vibrations and the others even casual music fans can name.

(Funny how, in the age of the iPod shuffle feature, one has to remind the reader that music can be listened to that way.)

This blog's intended audience remembers all of these events and groans when reminded that they're twenty-one years old, so I needn't highlight the significance of this album---and its counterpart, about a month away, now---but for anyone actually close to the age of Pearl Jam's first appearance, it might be necessary to highlight just how bad pop and rock music was.  Before this, certainly, but also after.  Pearl Jam arrived and blew apart a radio landscape that had been completely devoted to just utter schlock, Milli Vanilli and the New Kids and Roxette, not that there's anything wrong with Roxette but if that's the highlight of the year in music? things must have been terrifically shitty the other 51 weeks, and indeed they were.  The arrival of rap as a popular format was incipient, but it certainly hadn't yet changed what was on the dial, other than "Ice Ice Baby."  Mariah Carey, sure, she was just starting, and you can't discount her success, but it's not at all the music I listen to, nor what I'm talking about.

And then for one brief shining moment---was it over in a summer? in a season? did it last a year?---two dozen kids from Seattle in five, six different bands just rewrote the entire game.  Excellent, excellent music had arrived, and the studio-assembled vanity projects just couldn't maintain their grip on the airwaves, and rock and roll radio actually had rock and roll on it again.

Again, this wouldn't last.  By the end of the nineties, "modern rock" had replaced grunge and alternative, and the studios were once again in control.  Third Eye Blind was doing its Eddie Vedder impersonation---and it was a good one, or at least it would have fooled Helen Keller---and the folks making money were the ones who always had.  (The mp3 was right on the horizon, then, and that really would overturn the order of the biz permanently, the way alternative music had tried to.)

But man.  For that summer, or season, or year...  Hey, you know what, I'll add "Jeremy" to this, too.

I can't feel 'coz I'm numb

"You must be older than the band Blur to drink in this establishment."

Linux

"You must be older than Linux to drink in this establishment."

... which direction we are going; there's no knowing where we're rowing or which way the river's flowing

"You must be old enough to possible maybe be the last bastard son or daughter of Roald Dahl to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Hole to drink in this establishment."

"You must be older than Super Nintendo to drink in this establishment."[fn1]

fn1:  American release date; it was out earlier in Japan.

"You must be older than Dead Again to drink in this establishment."

Happy 21st birthday, first kids conceived after Dances with Wolves!

Jesus, throw a rock in here, you'll hit a writer. And do me a favor---throw it hard.

"You must be older than Barton Fink to drink in this establishment."

Sometimes the snow comes down in June

"You must be older than 'Save the Best for Last' to drink in this establishment."