"You must be older than 'The Streets of Philadelphia' to be served here."

If memory serves, this is still the only song to win an Oscar, a Grammy, and be #1.

When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lonely

"You must be older than Dookie to be served in this establishment."

Never was a cornflake girl

"You must be older than Under the Pink to be served in this establishment."

"Why me? Why anybody?"

"You must be older than the Nancy Kerrigan attack to be served in this establishment."

(Thanks to Paul F. Thompkins for the full quote.)

That giant sucking sound, part two

Just a reprise---kids drinking today have lived their whole lives under NAFTA, as an effective legal regime.

I feel like if I were more serious about being funny, I would have a joke about that.  Meh. 

"You must be older than the Brandon Teena murder to be served in this establishment."

I can't believe I know this song's g.d. name

"You must be older than Meghan Trainor to drink in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Melissa!

Boys and girls! Action!

"You must be older than The State to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Molly and Vic!

"You gotta have sucked wind at the same time as Myrna Loy in order to drink here."

DOOM (or "NEDM," if you're from that corner of the Internet)

"You must be older than pretty much first-person shooters to be served in this establishment."

Now, Wolfenstein 3-D preated this game by like a minute. But DOOM achieved an overwhelming popularity that really established the genre. 

Although "genre" isn't really a word one thinks of as being spoken by that group of fans.

A date living in more infamy than before

"You must be older than the LIRR massacre to be served in this establishment."

"Wow... Elian Gonzalez is old enough to drink in the States today.

"You gotta have sucked wind at the same time as Frank Zappa to be served in this establishment."

"You must be older than the Food Network to be served in this establishment."

... and happy birthday, Stephanie, Morgan, and Heather!

Ultraviolence

"Yours must have sucked wind with the malenki alveoli of Anthony Burgess to be in this moloko bar."

... and happy birthday, Morgan and Jaren!  (and Tweety Bird) (and Bjork!)

"You've got to have sucked wind at the same time as El Doctoro to be served in this establishment."

Shit, that show did have a great closing.  One more:

.... mayyyybe one more:

... and happy birthday, Charles and Sakar and Chris!

De plane! de plane!

"You must have drawn breath at the same time as Herve Villechaize to be served in this establishment."

"You gotta have... you know what?  I give up."

"Although this is kinda sorta cool."

"You must be older than The Nanny to be served in this restaurant."

Rebel Assault

"You must be older than the era of computer games distributed only on CDs to be served here."