29 February 2012
"When you said I scared you, I guess you scared me, too"
Happy 21st birthday, first kid conceived to Bloodletting!
(I'm actually not sure whether "Joey" or "Caroline" is the real fuck track. Either way, happy birthday and first drink, cool and/or scary kid!)
(I'm actually not sure whether "Joey" or "Caroline" is the real fuck track. Either way, happy birthday and first drink, cool and/or scary kid!)
28 February 2012
"I wait for you in heaven"
Happy 21st birthday, first kid conceived to a Breeders song!
Take part of The Pixies, mix up with part of Throwing Muses (later Belly), and what you get is very plausibly the beginning of music getting good again in the 90s. Kurt Cobain credits it as an influence---actually, he credits it as one of his favorite albums ever. (Nevermind was more than a year away, by the way.)
(pic source)
Take part of The Pixies, mix up with part of Throwing Muses (later Belly), and what you get is very plausibly the beginning of music getting good again in the 90s. Kurt Cobain credits it as an influence---actually, he credits it as one of his favorite albums ever. (Nevermind was more than a year away, by the way.)
(pic source)
27 February 2012
Captain Donnie Syntax Challenge!
"You gotta be older than the captaincy---is that the word?---of, uhh... You gotta be older than the time that Donnie Baseball was... you can't really be older than a time like that, can you? Look, you gotta have spent some time on this earth before the Yankees made Mattingly captain, in order to drink here."
Yeah, it's a bit of homerism, here in New York, what can I say? Yesterday I almost went with this guy. Some weekends history takes a breather, I guess.
(pic source)
Yeah, it's a bit of homerism, here in New York, what can I say? Yesterday I almost went with this guy. Some weekends history takes a breather, I guess.
(pic source)
25 February 2012
Oh, it's the opposite sketch...
Happy 21st birthday, last kid conceived when You Can't Do That on Television! was still on the air.
Hard to believe there was a time Alanis Morrissette was annoying for another reason.
(pic source)
Hard to believe there was a time Alanis Morrissette was annoying for another reason.
(pic source)
24 February 2012
As I recall it, she actually explained practically nothing
Hello, Clarice....
Wait, didn't we do this last week? Oh, right. Hello, Clarissa.
God, those steely blue eyes... so chilling.
"You wanna drink, you better have ID saying you're older than the name 'Ferguson Darling.'"
(pic source)
Wait, didn't we do this last week? Oh, right. Hello, Clarissa.
God, those steely blue eyes... so chilling.
"You wanna drink, you better have ID saying you're older than the name 'Ferguson Darling.'"
(pic source)
23 February 2012
22 February 2012
21 February 2012
So what's this about?
No one's actually asking that, yet, but in case this ever develops any readership, it might be courteous of me to explain the whole premise behind this.
Basically,I want you to feel old. Very old. the passage of time demands recognition and observance. Or, in the absence of such, an occasionally updated blog. Being as I'm getting along in years, I have started to wonder---most often of course while at gas stations on our nation's lovely highways, wherein are posted rather prominently bright yellow stickers stating that one may not purchase alcohol unless born on today's date in such and such a year, which today at least is 1991---something along the lines of, "Oh dear god, that doesn't feel like so terribly long ago, anymore." And so I began to wonder about things that happened that length of time ago---or, to put it differently, I started noticing things that were older than kids who were now allowed to drink.
A friend of mine tends bar and would sometimes entertain my fascination with the topic. It's actually more accurate to say I forced this fascination upon her, but if she doesn't like it, she never should have given me her phone number, or at least not gotten a phone that receives text messages. In any event, my friend---to whom I'll be kind enough to leave nameless---after many months of texts instructing her not to serve anyone younger than closed-captioned television---recommended, as politely as can be expected under such circumstances, that I just get the damn blog already and stop clogging her messaging inbox.
Horrified yet? If not, consider the milestones that passed too early to be part of this blog. Closed-caption t.v., by the way. Yes, that's older than kids getting drunk tonight. January 3rd of this year. Blossom was 21 years old that same date. "U Can't Touch This" was released twenty-one years ago last year. Then there were those dates that marked something roughly nine months after the relevant benchmark. Remember that song about that chick who sleeps with that dude just to get pregnant? The first time that happened after that song came out, the resulting kid took his first legal drink last year, on December 14, 1990. The first couple who did the humpty dance to "The Humpty Dance" could have toasted their kid's twenty-first on that same date, though if couldn't get the single and had to wait for the album version they would have waited two weeks, 'til midnight after Christmas. The Exxon Valdez was in 1989. I got going too late, or else missed them when they happened, to make them a part of this blog. All my living days I shall have no greater regret.
The pseudonym's from the inventor of the Christmas Card, as I couldn't find any attribution of the birthday card to a single individual. The title's from a merry little ditty by Steve Sondheim; actually, if you take nothing else from this endeavor (and I have an itching suspicion that you will), be sure to listen to this:
Basically,
A friend of mine tends bar and would sometimes entertain my fascination with the topic. It's actually more accurate to say I forced this fascination upon her, but if she doesn't like it, she never should have given me her phone number, or at least not gotten a phone that receives text messages. In any event, my friend---to whom I'll be kind enough to leave nameless---after many months of texts instructing her not to serve anyone younger than closed-captioned television---recommended, as politely as can be expected under such circumstances, that I just get the damn blog already and stop clogging her messaging inbox.
Horrified yet? If not, consider the milestones that passed too early to be part of this blog. Closed-caption t.v., by the way. Yes, that's older than kids getting drunk tonight. January 3rd of this year. Blossom was 21 years old that same date. "U Can't Touch This" was released twenty-one years ago last year. Then there were those dates that marked something roughly nine months after the relevant benchmark. Remember that song about that chick who sleeps with that dude just to get pregnant? The first time that happened after that song came out, the resulting kid took his first legal drink last year, on December 14, 1990. The first couple who did the humpty dance to "The Humpty Dance" could have toasted their kid's twenty-first on that same date, though if couldn't get the single and had to wait for the album version they would have waited two weeks, 'til midnight after Christmas. The Exxon Valdez was in 1989. I got going too late, or else missed them when they happened, to make them a part of this blog. All my living days I shall have no greater regret.
The pseudonym's from the inventor of the Christmas Card, as I couldn't find any attribution of the birthday card to a single individual. The title's from a merry little ditty by Steve Sondheim; actually, if you take nothing else from this endeavor (and I have an itching suspicion that you will), be sure to listen to this:
20 February 2012
19 February 2012
18 February 2012
17 February 2012
Apologies in advance---this one's going to be a mite mawkish, I fear
It's the 21st birthday of the kids conceived after Jim Henson left this earth.
It's customary to date that originating moment of one's existence to when "you were just a twinkle in your father's eye," but somehow it feels there were no twinkles, anymore, then.
It's customary to date that originating moment of one's existence to when "you were just a twinkle in your father's eye," but somehow it feels there were no twinkles, anymore, then.
16 February 2012
What's my age, again?
"You gotta be 18 to smoke. If you're older than Blink-182, though, go ahead and light up."
"Somehow I don't think registering to vote and be drafted is the first thing on your mind, kids."
15 February 2012
14 February 2012
Was ist ein "Wanker" auf deutsch?
"You must be older than King Ralph to drink in this establishment."
I'm pretty sure it's better this way.
I'm pretty sure it's better this way.
13 February 2012
Hello, Clarice
"You know what? If you're going to look at me like that, you can't drink here no matter what. Get out."
12 February 2012
To my Leaders of the New, you don't stop
"You must be older than Busta Rhymes's career to drink in this establishment."
Technically, it's the first single off the first album by Leaders of the New School, released 13 February 1991.
Technically, it's the first single off the first album by Leaders of the New School, released 13 February 1991.
10 February 2012
At the playground, that's where I saw this cutie
"You must be older than Another Bad Creation to drink in this establishment."
(As the poet says, I'm robbing Boyz II Men like I was Michael Bivens.)
(As the poet says, I'm robbing Boyz II Men like I was Michael Bivens.)
Su Gimtadieniu!
"You must be older than Lithuanian independence to drink in this establishment."
This is dating it from international recognition, although there are many plausible dates from which to countit. Lithuania SSR was the first to leave the Soviet Union; within a year, the whole thing would come down.
(image source)
This is dating it from international recognition, although there are many plausible dates from which to countit. Lithuania SSR was the first to leave the Soviet Union; within a year, the whole thing would come down.
(image source)
09 February 2012
08 February 2012
Fwippity-fwappity-fwa-mwa-ma-ma
"You must be older than Adam Sandler's career to drink in this establishment."
"It'd be nice if you made more sense, too."
-----
nn. Look, we all remember him from Remote Control, sure. But this was when the madness began.
"It'd be nice if you made more sense, too."
-----
nn. Look, we all remember him from Remote Control, sure. But this was when the madness began.
07 February 2012
06 February 2012
01 February 2012
Date night (lazy blogger edition)
If your folks conceived you on a date involving #1 box office hit Pretty Woman and #1 Billboard single "Nothing Compares 2 U," happy 21st birthday!
... or maybe that was two weeks ago. Or six weeks ago. Or two weeks from now. Movies and music weren't exactly volatile back then.
...
Look, it's just not a good week for me. Better stuff coming up soon!
... or maybe that was two weeks ago. Or six weeks ago. Or two weeks from now. Movies and music weren't exactly volatile back then.
...
Look, it's just not a good week for me. Better stuff coming up soon!
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